SOMETIMES ITS NOT MEANT TO BE

I don't know if its may age, or loss, or regrets but I have been thinking and reliving all the things that could have, would have, and should have been for the past year.

About 10 years ago I emailed 4 men I dated to see if there was something I could have done differently in the relationship.   I carefully worded the language as not to berate, or belittle them.  I explained how I knew I had flaws.  The responses were not what I thought:   

• The 4 exes either did not answer or answered with a "...nothing man, why are you tripping".  I was infuriated.  
• My email made it abundantly clear that I knew they would not be attracted to me now for had they been we would not have gone our separate ways. 
• I was devastated.  I could not understand why the 4 exes would not help me.  It was obvious they didn't like me.  They broke up with me. 

It does not take a rocket scientist to understand that they were not attracted to me,  To think otherwise would render me weak.  There is no way in HELL that I am going to think that men who ended our relationships were men who gave a damn about me.   So I believed it should have been easy for them to provide constructive criticism as to my faults or failures in the relationships.  Because had they ASKED me - for relationship information specifically criticism of them and their faults in the relationships I would still be writing...I am just keeping it real. 

But this is what I learned.  You can cry, pray, plead, and beg God for a man, or a child.  But if it is not in HIS plans, it will not happen.  It does not matter if you were a HO, or an Angel, its not going to happen.  Hard pill to swallow.   What helped me, I was diagnosed with a brain tumor.  The best thing that could have happened to me.  Because I gave up on hoping or  praying for a man to marry and live happily ever after.  I certainly would not have had the 10 hour operation that left me bald, and could have left me unable to read or write had I been married or have children. 

I was OK with it.  I had no family.  I was OK with it.  I was at peace.  This is what I learned.  The reason Crack Ho's and Ho's in the street and have husbands and kids, is because that's God's plan.  Don't look at a situation and ask God - Why bless them and not me? 

The phrase I cling to now - 10 years later - Sometimes its not meant to be.  I can only speak to my situation. It was not meant for me to have the kind of life I desired, prayed for and wanted.  I will never be a wife, mother of 4 boys four years apart, soccer Mom or President of the PTA.  

Because no matter how hard or how much you pray, beg, plead, beg again, cry, barter and hope.  God's plan is the only plan that is important - and the ONLY plan that will prevail.  It's sad for me because I don't have a family.

• Can I ask God what I did wrong? Yes I have asked.  Has God answered me - NO. 
• Will God answer me -NO.
• Do I like it? No, it sickens me that my God is able to still do miracles and yet God did not work a miracle for me. 

But Sometimes its not meant to be, and the more I accept this the better I will be, in due time.

YOU DID THE BEST YOU COULD

October 5th 2013 was the anniversary of my mother's burial.  October 10th 2013 is the anniversary of my father's death.  This has been a tough year, I feel as if I have aged 5 years, there was so much to do.  Storages to fill, homes to clear out, homes to renovate, headstones to purchase, family members to no longer speak to, letters to write, funeral homes to cuss out, attorneys to pay and pay and pay, Thank you notes to send, insurance paperwork to complete, and probates to complete in North Carolina and Tennessee.


This morning I had a dream that I was talking to my Mom, it was vivid and yet surreal and sad. Because I knew she was gone, I knew she was dead and I wanted her to know that I tried. If only, I could do it all over again, I would do so much better.  I would have chosen a prettier casket, a better headstone a better funeral program.  And I was telling her that I had not completed all the Thank You notes and I still have her stuff in storage in NC and I have yet to buy a larger home to accommodate the items, and I still need to write the letters for more donations for the Anne Gaines Swygert Endowment at NCA&TSU.  And then just as clear as I am writing this I could hear her say
"You did an amazing job for your Father and Me. We have always been proud of you. Just do one last thing, LIVE YOUR LIFE , MAKE YOURSELF A PRIORITY, stop caring so much about others.  MAKE YOUR DREAMS happen.  Have the family you always wanted, leave the past and your failed relationships there.  You did the best you could." 
 And just like that the burden was lifted.  And now I am much better.