To my girlfriends who are in their 20's, 30's and 40's and who:
WANT to be married and
WANT to have children and WANT to live the happily ever after this is for you.
I am writing this During this time of the year and during the month of June and hell everyday when you desire to be a wife and mother can be daunting as hell. Going to church on Sunday, going to the movies, going out to eat. Going to family gatherings, going to the grocery store....I know everywhere you go you see couples and women with their families and you shake your head wondering:
• How long will it take me
• What the hell did I do wrong
• What is so wrong with me
• Look at her - how did she - get married and not me
• Am I being punished for something I did
• God why do you hate me
Look I am NO expert at relationships - I can only share with you the MISTAKES I made and I pray to God it will help someone.
The criteria I used when dating men were they had to be breathing on not living with their mother. You must first understand that my one goal, my one prayer and my one hope in life was to be a wife, mother and president of the PTA. I kid you not. Of course I would work somewhere but a career - HELL no. My fall back plan was to become an educator - not to give back to the community not to fulfill a lifelong need to help the children but to have the same days off for holidays and summer vacations as my children.
Understand this - I have dated, and wasted my time with black, white, Asian and brown men.
I have dated, and wasted my time with an athlete, pastor of a small rural church, used car salesman, mechanic, engineer, a doctor, a surgeon, a social worker and an executive. I didn't list them to impress you I listed them to say each time - I dated beneath me. These men were less than. To be honest I didn't like them, there was something that bothered me about each, I wanted to be married more. So I put up with their stupid ways - their embarrassing attempts to belittle or berate me but you can't belittle someone who's end game does not include them. But that's another story.
To say I was desperate was accurate and an understatement. When I turned 30 and was unmarried I began walking 5 miles EACH day. Not to get fit for myself or someone but to walk off the disappointment - the disgust and the dismay that someone like me was still unmarried. I did everything right, I worked hard in grade school, I worked hard in college, I was a nice person, I belonged to a church - I tirelessly volunteered in church, I kept in touch with little old ladies back home, I would often send gifts to them. I didn't kick dogs, I didn't mistreat anyone and still not married. Meanwhile, every whore, slut, woman who had children by multiple men, prostitute, pole dancer, drug addict and dumb ass was getting married - was having the life I was suppose to have - was driving my mini van. And it wasn't fair. I couldn't understand what I did wrong ! Then fast forward 9 years. Oh yeah - from age 30 to 39 I was desperate, single and sad.
But I was diagnosed with a brain tumor at age 39 - it was a sunny, bright January day I never said "God why me", I said "God I understand now why you never allowed me to be married and have children because this diagnosis would be devastating for a family. So I was relieved because I was going to die - and as embarrassing as it was to write my obituary without being married or having no children - I was relieved. I was good - it didn't matter anymore. I gave up all hopes of getting married. I gave up all hopes of having children and living happily ever after. So I began planning my 39th birthday party in April because I understood I wouldn't have a 40th one. At my 39th birthday party I had a ball, friends were there and we had fun. I was happy. Weirdest thing began to happen. Men would ask me out - I didn't initiate it I didn't dress for it - I didn't manipulate it - I didn't try AT ALL. I actually had an attitude of "what do you want I am busy trying to die - why are you bothering me". So I entertained them - and I went out on many dates - after the dates I did call the dates back to thank them for the great outing. IN MY HEAD, I was saying "of course I will go out with you, hell its a free meal. I am going to over order and take food to eat at home". I didn't care, I didn't give a damn, and was no longer desperate. That was the key:
•Can not give a damn
•Can not be desperate
How do you define not giving a damn?
Giving a man money, helping a man financially (co-signing for a loan) listening to his problems, helping him write proposals, helping him with his
"Problems" listening to his "problems" being a shoulder to cry on, purchasing clothes so he can look "better".
How do you define not being desperate?
Not having sex with him. And if you do have sex with him speak about the expectations - if he says "we will see where it goes" you are just a "piece" until something better comes along. Now understand this may be a prolonged period maybe 2 or 3 years - wasted time. If he is having sex with you as a sidepiece - he is a fuckboy and doesn't respect you. And you do not have a relationship - and you never will. Because to put it plainly - he doesn't believe he's good enough. He just wants to have sexual intercourse because he has nothing else to offer. And that's what you have to understand the verbiage to use must be plain when speaking to men.
It's ok to ask them "do you just want to have sexual intercourse" and if they say "I also want us to be friends" RUN...they are lying. If they do not like the word "sexual intercourse" RUN because they do not want to hear the truth.
Now back to how I finally got married - I gave up. I said I do not want it anymore. I didn't try anymore instead of thinking of different ways to wear my hair, different clubs or religious retreats to attend - I kept to myself. Did not reach out to the guys and accepted all dates. If you were breathing on your own and not living with your mother I would go out on a date with you. Then a friend said hey you want to go out with this guy - it was a blind date. I said "...sure I'm hungry..." That's how I met my now husband - it was a blind date - he picked me up at 7pm took me out to eat and he took me to Dave & Busters - we had so much fun that it was 11:30pm before we knew it - and we were having such a great time that we drive around Houston listening to music and discussing life. It was awesome - he brought me home and said "would you like to go to breakfast?" I said "...it's 3am - but you can pick me up at 11am for lunch".
I did not have the desperation stench on me anymore because there was no sex because I was not planning on living - I was planning on over ordering at lunch and bringing back food for dinner.
Well
