Glad I had a brain tumor - Part II

When the doctor stood by my bedside and told me I had a brain tumor.  I was shocked, stunned, and done.  I wanted to leave the hospital so I could call my family and friends and tell them that I was going to die of a brain tumor.  Those were my thoughts in the hospital.  I returned to my home, my apartment, my sanctuary.  My first call was to my mother, my rock.  We talked, and talked, and talked and talked and finally she asked, "so what are you going to do?".   I replied, " I will have to place the Credit Corner on the back burner and get a job, with good insurance, then she closed the call with, "Remember Mommie loves you", and I said, "I love you too Momma"

On my couch I breathed and drank water and I thought about everything that had happened up to that point in my life and it ALL made sense now.  The reason I had no children and the reason I had not married.  I had failed at my only two goals in life.  Now it made sense and I was relieved.  I wrote my obituary for the newspaper,  and the obituary for my services in Houston and Greensboro.  Wrote letters to people who positively impacted my life, addressed the envelopes placed them in a decorative shoe box and left instructions for my Mom. 

I have always been accused of thinking too much.  And I do.  I will think and think and think until I am unable to sleep.  My record for being awake. thinking, reading and researching is 72 hours.  Not a record that I am proud of at all.  In this case it worked out for my benefit.  

The type of brain tumor I had was a meningioma.  A meningioma is a tumor that arises from the meninges — the membranes that surround your brain and spinal cord.  Most meningioma's are noncancerous also known as benign. 

Within the 72 hours I researched/signed up and contacted via email:

• Top 3 brain tumor hospitals in the US 1) Mass General Hospital in Boston  2) MD Anderson in Houston and 3) Duke University in Durham NC
• Type of brain tumor survival rates thanks to the NIH (National Institute of Health)
• If you have to have a brain tumor - a meningioma is the best one to have because it is slow growing and non-cancerous
• Support groups for people with brain tumors
• Signed up for the 2 day MD Anderson Symposium on Brain Tumors
• Set up 2nd and 3rd opinions online - and arranged for my MRI film to be sent and reviewed by the doctors at the hospitals mentioned above

BRAIN TUMOR TIME LINE

• In January 2005 I was diagnosed with a brain tumor
• In April 2005 I began working a job with great benefits in Houston TX
• In April of 2005 my birthday came and went.  It was nice celebration.  There were no family members present.  There were excuses, none that I remember.  There were church members present.  There were friends present.
• An MRI in June 2005 showed there was no growth in the tumor
• In October 2005 I went on a blind date with a guy named Rodman - he was nice but he lived in Dallas
• In January 2006 another MRI showed no growth in the tumor
• In April 2006 I moved to Dallas and choose to work at a company that had an excellent insurance packet.  I have had Managers, Directors and Vice Presidents ask me "Why are you working here" - I would respond with a smile. The reason because I had to have a brain tumor removed.  Point, Blank and the Period!
• In January 2007 - the brain tumor was successfully removed

And today is a new day.  I smile and am perplexed when people say I am strong.  I don't see it.  Many of you have endured much greater pain than me.  A loss of a an uncle that was like a father, the loss of a parent to a disease that allowed them to live and yet cannot remember you.  I have friends who were widows and widowers in their 20's and 30's with children.  Friends who have had to bury their children. They are strong because they continue to show me how to love, how to forgive and how to move foreword.

When I look back on my life, it has been an extraordinary life.  I have worked on winning political campaigns, traveled to many countries, and met fascinating people who are now friends. I arrived at Prairie View A&M University with a dream and suitcase and left with friends who are now family.  I became a member of a church that took me under their wing and made certain my every spiritual need was met.  They gave me wings of faith to endure the removal of the brain tumor, and the deaths of two parents.  So when I wail about the deaths of my parents so close together, or the fact that I am not a mother or president of the PTA, it is because I have FAITH.

It is because I know God for myself and I know God can, and I know God will according to his plans.  It saddens me that God's plan does not include my hopes and dreams.  But with much prayer my hopes and dreams will change, and then and only then will God will answer my prayers.  Always, remember today is a new day. 

Good Morning: You have a Brain Tumor - Part I

It never fails. I get a text or a FB message weekly asking if I could speak to this person or that person because their friend or family member has recently been diagnosed with a brain tumor.   They attempt to articulate the what, how, when, where, and the inevitable how did you make it through questions.  I tell them the following story:

It was a typical January Friday night for me in Houston.   I picked up my laundry, ran to get a few items at the local Kroger.  So few items I just used the part where people place their children, ordered Super Nachos at the drive through and drove home.  By the time I got to my apartment door a 19 minute round trip I felt most ill.  I should have known something was seriously wrong with me after all, I could not finish eating my nachos.  I could not put my groceries up in the cabinets and my neatly folded laundry from the Laundromat remained in my unlocked car.  My headache was so intense, with each heart beat,  my brain would pound against my skull.

On Saturday I tried to self medicate with aspirin, tried to drink water thinking I was dehydrated. I could no longer take it.  I called my doctor and he said to go St Joseph's Hospital. I did.  Once I arrived in the ER I explained to the staff that I was allergic to penicillin, any form of it.  They like most staff rolled their eyes.  The ER doctor asked "...when was the last time you were given it" I said  when I was a child.  And  she rolled her eyes again.  She administered penicillin I began to loose my hearing, and I began to scream "I can not hear out of my left ear" all the while having a banging headache.    I second guessed myself for going to the hospital.  What a waste I remember thinking. 

I asked the ER doctor to check me for meningitis.  I explained to her that my Mom's friend had visited Vegas and caught meningitis and by the time they tested her it was too late - my mom's friend  died.  Again with the rolling eyes - and yet I was steadfast.  I wanted my the spinal tap.  She sais she was not an expert at it.   I replied in between  my head pounding "and...you're...an...ER...doctor...Lawd....help....us....all..".

She called the Neurosurgeon who was not at the hospital.  He was at home - he was "On Call".   He came into the hospital to perform the spinal tap.  He entered the ER, shook my hand, explained what a spinal tap was and gave me comforting words such as "...don't move because if you do I may paralyze you."   I couldn't even reply to him because he scared the crap out of me.  Removing the spinal fluid and diagnosing meningitis seemed as if it took FOREVER... he removed 3 vials of fluid, placed them in his breast coat pocket, patted them, and said he was going to take them to the lab.  He must have known something.  He was taking the vials himself to the lab.   Minutes later I was whisked to a semi private room, and soon thereafter I was giving some medicine and wheeled to an MRI.  The medicine they gave me was niiiiiccccceeeee.  I remember waking up the next morning.   The nice doctor was by my bedside.  He said, "Good Morning you have a brain tumor".  I was incoherent for about maybe 5 minutes.  It was as if my hearing was leaving me again.  And then I remember looking for a piece of paper and a pen to write down what he was saying.  I could not find a paper and pen for nothing nor could I find my purse,  I always carry a pen. 

He wrote down with his very nice Monte Blanc pen:  Meningioma Brain Tumor 3.5 cm x 5.1 on the left parietal of the brain.  There were no tears, I just wanted to leave.  After all he told me I had a brain tumor.  I really didn't want to hear anything else he had to say.   It was over.  I was going to die.  The banging headache stopped because he said I had viral Meningitis and they gave me  a 500 mg something for the pain.  He said there were no antibiotics for viral meningitis and he believes it was transmitted from the cart at the Kroger's.  NOW  you know why there are WIPES where the shopping carts are located. 

He said I would just have to "wait it out".  He explained I needed to drink PLENTY of water because the removal of spinal fluid would make my head ache even more than before. 

For the next 3 months: 

• I would drink a gallon of water each day, attend bible study once a week, attended Sunday church and came home and rested on my couch.  
• There were no tears
• I had to plan. My funeral, my 39th birthday party because I wasn't sure there would be a 40th and I had to begin calling family and friends.

SOMETIMES ITS NOT MEANT TO BE

I don't know if its may age, or loss, or regrets but I have been thinking and reliving all the things that could have, would have, and should have been for the past year.

About 10 years ago I emailed 4 men I dated to see if there was something I could have done differently in the relationship.   I carefully worded the language as not to berate, or belittle them.  I explained how I knew I had flaws.  The responses were not what I thought:   

• The 4 exes either did not answer or answered with a "...nothing man, why are you tripping".  I was infuriated.  
• My email made it abundantly clear that I knew they would not be attracted to me now for had they been we would not have gone our separate ways. 
• I was devastated.  I could not understand why the 4 exes would not help me.  It was obvious they didn't like me.  They broke up with me. 

It does not take a rocket scientist to understand that they were not attracted to me,  To think otherwise would render me weak.  There is no way in HELL that I am going to think that men who ended our relationships were men who gave a damn about me.   So I believed it should have been easy for them to provide constructive criticism as to my faults or failures in the relationships.  Because had they ASKED me - for relationship information specifically criticism of them and their faults in the relationships I would still be writing...I am just keeping it real. 

But this is what I learned.  You can cry, pray, plead, and beg God for a man, or a child.  But if it is not in HIS plans, it will not happen.  It does not matter if you were a HO, or an Angel, its not going to happen.  Hard pill to swallow.   What helped me, I was diagnosed with a brain tumor.  The best thing that could have happened to me.  Because I gave up on hoping or  praying for a man to marry and live happily ever after.  I certainly would not have had the 10 hour operation that left me bald, and could have left me unable to read or write had I been married or have children. 

I was OK with it.  I had no family.  I was OK with it.  I was at peace.  This is what I learned.  The reason Crack Ho's and Ho's in the street and have husbands and kids, is because that's God's plan.  Don't look at a situation and ask God - Why bless them and not me? 

The phrase I cling to now - 10 years later - Sometimes its not meant to be.  I can only speak to my situation. It was not meant for me to have the kind of life I desired, prayed for and wanted.  I will never be a wife, mother of 4 boys four years apart, soccer Mom or President of the PTA.  

Because no matter how hard or how much you pray, beg, plead, beg again, cry, barter and hope.  God's plan is the only plan that is important - and the ONLY plan that will prevail.  It's sad for me because I don't have a family.

• Can I ask God what I did wrong? Yes I have asked.  Has God answered me - NO. 
• Will God answer me -NO.
• Do I like it? No, it sickens me that my God is able to still do miracles and yet God did not work a miracle for me. 

But Sometimes its not meant to be, and the more I accept this the better I will be, in due time.

YOU DID THE BEST YOU COULD

October 5th 2013 was the anniversary of my mother's burial.  October 10th 2013 is the anniversary of my father's death.  This has been a tough year, I feel as if I have aged 5 years, there was so much to do.  Storages to fill, homes to clear out, homes to renovate, headstones to purchase, family members to no longer speak to, letters to write, funeral homes to cuss out, attorneys to pay and pay and pay, Thank you notes to send, insurance paperwork to complete, and probates to complete in North Carolina and Tennessee.


This morning I had a dream that I was talking to my Mom, it was vivid and yet surreal and sad. Because I knew she was gone, I knew she was dead and I wanted her to know that I tried. If only, I could do it all over again, I would do so much better.  I would have chosen a prettier casket, a better headstone a better funeral program.  And I was telling her that I had not completed all the Thank You notes and I still have her stuff in storage in NC and I have yet to buy a larger home to accommodate the items, and I still need to write the letters for more donations for the Anne Gaines Swygert Endowment at NCA&TSU.  And then just as clear as I am writing this I could hear her say
"You did an amazing job for your Father and Me. We have always been proud of you. Just do one last thing, LIVE YOUR LIFE , MAKE YOURSELF A PRIORITY, stop caring so much about others.  MAKE YOUR DREAMS happen.  Have the family you always wanted, leave the past and your failed relationships there.  You did the best you could." 
 And just like that the burden was lifted.  And now I am much better.

When God does not hear you he is still listening...

It may sound pathetic and horrible but I never wanted much out of life. I only wanted a very simple and plain life. I have always enjoyed simple things in life, a glorious sunset, the morning dew in the NC mountains, a Tiffany bracelet, a handpainted teapot.

Never asked for much from God. I had one prayer, one request, one goal in life.

My life's goal since the age of 13 was to be a wife, mother and president of the PTA. That is it. In that order. Every step I made, every "A" awarded in class, every class project was for that goal. And in my eyes it was a single goal - wife, mother and president of the PTA was my 1 and only goal. I would have a family to love me and I could work for my community.

But there was no answered prayer, so I prayed harder, I fasted more and became a more vigilant member of my church, I was a hard working member of 3 different ministries, and offered leadership to the Grief Minsitry. And for years, I waited, and watched while life laughed at me and I lanuguished on....I told God on more than one occasion that He had forgotten about me and He hated me. And yet I still attended church, for weekly bible and church services. Because through it all I knew he knew my heart's desire.

And then life interupted my plans. It is not for me to say whether or not the interuptions were fair or not that was not my concern. I had a hollow bout with cancer, and then a diagnosis of brain tumor, will do that to you. I was stunned. I was not angry or bitter I was just stunned. And through it all, I could see my 1 goal slipping away.

It was apparent the one prayer, the one goal since age 12 was not to be. And then it happened, all it took was one blind date to Dave & Busters on a Friday night and that has made all the difference. Because when it seems that there is no way out - when it seems that you are the end of your rope when it seems as if God is not listening, or is not there by your side is not present know this - in the midst of the darkness he is closer to you than he ever was. Because after I came out of surgery to have 3cm by 1.4 cm removed from my brain, God was there, my Father was there and my friend, my man, "Mr. Goode" was there. It has been 3.5 years and all is well and all continues to be well....

"You don't live life, life lives you"....

When you know God says NO

Life can be intimidating, and scary.  Each of us have known people who have decided not to participate in life anymore, because life was too difficult for them. Think about it.

• We ALL know exceptionally brilliant people who decide to work mundane jobs in order to earn a living or just get by
• We ALL know people who take prescription drugs, or who drink to escape from this life that they have been burdened with through no fault of their own

Then there are those of us, who hope, and pray day after day, month after month and year after year for God to hear our prayers and alter his WILL or PLANS to accommodate ours.  Call us silly, or hardheaded call us day dreamers and you would be correct.  After all we have been taught or read
Psalm 37:4 Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you your heart's desires. (New Living Translation)
but I considered the next verse meant for those who did not put in the work. See I put in the work, I fasted, I prayed, I hoped, I believed and I knew God would for 19 years.
Psalm 37:5 Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this.

I am no biblical scholar but at this point in my life I have come to the conclusion that what I wanted or desired for my life is not to be because God said NO even as I put in the work....

• 19 years of bible study did not change HIS plan
• 19 years of being an active member of church
• 19 years of waiting
• 19 years of prayer groups
• 19 years of reading self help books
• 19 years of reading and studying the bible
• 19 years of doing what is right
• 19 years of NO 

There was NO REVELATION from God other than NO to me.  Is it the end when God says NO?  
For many yes. For many no.  Some people commit suicide. Other people walk off and leave their families. Some people leave churches. Some people use drugs to escape.  Some people lash out in violent rages and hurt themselves and others.  For me it was detrimental to what little spiritual life I had left after 19 years of NO.  All I know is God said NO to my one hope and dream.  And God said YES to a number of miracles in my life; which, seems pointless.    Many believe that I have no or little faith; but, it is actually the opposite.  I know God can.  I know God will.  I know God does. It's just devastating to me that God says NO and means it.  For whatever the reason according to the biblical teachings in Habakkuk I may NEVER know.

THERE ARE NO WORDS

There are times during your life when there are no words. The time of a death - the time when you hold your infant for the very first time, and the time when the person who you are most in love with - declares they love you too.

To get you caught up, Friday September 27th will be my husband's 50th birthday and the 1st anniversary of my Mother's death. Yes, my mother, Anne Gaines Swygert, died in the arms of my brother on my husband's birthday.  The only comfort I have is that she was not alone.
Me and my husband were driving from Dallas Texas to Greensboro NC to bring her to back to Dallas when my brother called to tell me that "Momma is gone". I couldn't speak. There were no words.

• I desperately needed to spend time with her
• I needed to see her
• I needed to listen to Prairie Home Companion with her on our patio
• I needed to smell her - her favorite scent was Wings 
• I needed to watch Masterpiece Theatre with her
• I needed to tell her I loved her again, and again and again 
• I needed to watch Antique Road Show with her and its countless spinoffs
• Most importantly I just needed my Momma

I have always loved my Momma. There were no teenage or young adult years of regret, or temper tantrums. Every impromptu card, letter and daily telephone call would end with I love you.  I have never nor will ever love anyone like I loved my mother. I even believe I respected her more than I loved her.

She was brilliant, beautiful and well-read. She was a great seamstress, and a fabulous cook. She was strong and  quite vocal.  She was amazingly supportive, loving, and stern. She was a mother. I must have been 8 or 9 when I had trouble zipping my dress in the back. I asked her for help, she replied "What would you do if I died tomorrow".  I said, "I wouldn't buy a dress with a zipper in the back".  From that day forward she never purchased another dress with a zipper in the back for me. 

She gave me a strong sense of self, family, and community.  Bullies in the neighborhood tried to break me.  I would listen to their hurtful words and in my head reply "But you are not reading on your grade level".  If only they knew how feeble their attempts were.  Mean spirited girls on campus would attempt to offer insults. Now I was more confident in my voice, so I openly replied "I could give you half of my GPA and you would no longer be on academic probation". Bullies in relationships would try to chip at my self confidence under the guise of "constructive criticism".  Complaints ranged from my hair was too thick, my lips too full, my thighs too muscular, my voice too proper, or my skin too shiny. In a telephone conversation with my mother I would surmise their critiques as self loathing. After all, none of the men I dated, had books, bookshelves, a stamped passport, a Money Market account, or lived more than 300 miles from their birthplace.  She laughed and said "Oh my". 

After we buried my mother in NC and returned home to Dallas, time stood still. Nothing mattered. Food did not taste the same, I lost 20 pounds. Water was not a necessity I became dehydrated.   One day my husband left to go to work,  kissed me on the cheek as I sat on the couch, and told me he loved me.  Twelve hours later he came through the front door to discover I had not moved from that spot on the couch. The remote was still in my hand the TV not turned on, the glass of orange juice not touched - the juice had separated from the ice.  The dogs still outback. He helped me off the couch and put me in the bed and placed the comforter over my body. I placed it over my head. There were no words.

I received the telephone call that my father died, I called my brother and said "Daddy died". There were no words. Yes, Five days after we buried my mother my father died.   There were no words. It was difficult to make the calls to family and friends because they were shocked and rightly so.  But many, people replied with Are you serious? One Grief Minister friend said, "Let me call you back".  One friend I emailed replied with "WTF".  There were no words. 

This journey -  is one that God has made. I have a relationship with God. I am not a chapter/verse kind of Christian. I know God for myself...I have felt God's presence.

Don't want you to feel sad for me - I just want you to know that my journey is not unique - it's just a  journey...others have had MORE DIFFICULT but others have much BETTER lives than mine. There is no understanding...there is no rhyme or reason there are no words.